Executive edge: Motivating your Child C is for Consequence

In Chapter 8 of Smart but Scattered, the authors dive into real-life scenarios that many parents can relate to. Let's take a closer look at three examples that might resonate with you:

• Melissa, age 3: Her parents want her to start cleaning up after herself. They guide her step-by-step, praising her efforts along the way. Eventually, Melissa starts praising herself for her accomplishments!
• Raj, age 9: Obsessed with video games, Raj rarely gets outside to exercise. His parents find a creative compromise by introducing him to a video game that incorporates movement and exercise, ensuring he's active even on "indoor days."
• Logan, middle schooler: A bright and athletic kid, Logan’s motivation to excel in school seems to be slipping. His parents decide to create a reward system: every B+ or better he earns gets him closer to a top-of-the-line snowboard he’s been eyeing.

These scenarios highlight different ways to motivate kids to develop their executive functioning skills—planning, organization, self-control, and more.

Why Not Punishment?

It's tempting to rely on punishment when kids don't meet our expectations, but punishment has a major flaw: it only tells kids what not to do. It focuses on the negative, and older kids may start thinking, "Well, I've already messed up—there’s no point in trying now."

The Power of Praise

Praise, on the other hand, is a powerful (and often underappreciated) motivator. Kids, like adults, crave recognition. A simple "Great job!" can do wonders, but specific praise is even better. Here’s why:

Effective Praise:

1. Happens immediately after the positive behavior.
2. Highlights specifics: “Thank you for putting your toys away so quickly!”
3. Shows the value: “When you clean up, it makes mornings so much smoother!”
4. Recognizes effort: “I could see you working hard to stay calm just now.”
5. Encourages problem-solving: “I love how you thought through that problem and came up with a great solution!”

Even better? Skip the “I” statements sometimes. Instead of “I’m so proud of you,” try, “Wow, look at how much effort you put in!” This helps kids internalize their accomplishments.

The Next Step: Incentives

Beyond praise, offering something to look forward to can motivate your child to complete tasks or practice new skills. Think of it like this: Adults often reward themselves, too—maybe a favorite dessert after folding laundry.

For kids, focus on positive phrasing. Instead of, “You can’t play video games until you clean your room,” try, “As soon as your room is clean, you can play video games.” It’s a subtle shift, but it makes a big difference in how kids perceive their responsibilities.

When Praise and Rewards Aren’t Enough

Sometimes, kids need more structure, especially if they have ADHD or struggle with motivation. In these cases, a formal incentive system can help:

1. Identify the problem behavior and set a goal.
2. Choose a reward and set clear conditions for earning it.
3. Create a behavior contract that outlines the plan.
4. Evaluate progress and make adjustments as needed.

These strategies can work for specific goals or broader executive skills like task initiation, time management, and organization.

Building a Foundation

Motivating your child to build their executive skills takes patience and creativity, but the rewards—both theirs and yours—are well worth it. Whether it’s a sticker chart, a high-five, or a coveted snowboard, finding the right approach for your child can make all the difference.

So, what will you try first?

Parents, if you’re still unsure how to start, stay tuned! We’ll be sharing more practical experiences and insights from parents and clinicians in the next chapter.Motivating your child to build their executive skills takes patience and creativity, but the rewards—both theirs and yours—are well worth it. Whether it’s a sticker chart, a high-five, or a coveted snowboard, finding the right approach for your child can make all the difference.