ISACS Parent Series Recap - Elevating Discipline with the Brain in Mind

Last week, ISACS third speaker in this year’s Parent Webinar Series was titled, Elevating Discipline with the Brain in Mind. The presenter, Tina Payne Bryson, is a Pediatric Psychotherapist and child development expert. Her presentation focused on the ideal parenting style and effective discipline with your child’s brain in mind. In recent years, the idea of “gentle parenting” was at the forefront of all things parenting and considered by many to be the new way to approach discipline. However, Tina Payne Bryson’s presentation explains why this approach is not the most effective. Nor is another recent parenting fad called, “FAFO” parenting… AKA “mess around and find out”. Tina explains that like most things in life, balance is the key.

Bryson explains that there are four dimensions to parenting and children’s behavior. Similar to the four attachment styles that you learn about in basic psychology classes. 

1. Authoritative Parenting - has intense rules/expectations and a lack of warmth or dialogue (“FAFO” Parenting style)
2. Permissive Parenting - has few rules and too much connection (“gentle parenting”)
3. Authoritative Parenting - has rules/expectations that are maintained and there is a nurturing environment. 
4. Neglectful Parenting - has few rules and no connection

As mentioned above, developing a parenting style and creating a home environment that has consistent expectations and rules while nurturing and fostering connections is the key to parenting + discipline. Tina states, “kids need the adults in their life to be in charge - they need us to have rules and boundaries and limits because it helps them feel safe. If we want them to feel safe and cared for then we have to have rules, expectations, and limits.”

To understand how to discipline effectively, it’s important to know what discipline really is. Discipline is teaching (skill building), NOT punishment. Punishment doesn’t help us teach our children the skills that allow them to be self-disciplined. Tina explains that our first instincts are not always the best instincts… We say something as a question but it’s not actually a question like, “why would you do that?” or we come up with a consequence, or make them apologize. Our first instincts are reactive, however, discipline starts with a safe connection. If we can work to avoid reactivity on our end, we can put our energy into helping our child learn the skill that they need to do better next time. For example, when your child makes a choice that breaks a rule or expectation, a response that helps them build a skill can sound something like, “You know that wasn’t a good idea. How can we do that differently next time?” Building a safe connection can be achieved through play and playfulness (no matter how old your child is), co-regulation, and modeling the behavior we want to see. When your child is escalated, the quickest way from reactive to receptive is connection, safety, and empathy. 

The presentation emphasized two major points when it comes to rethinking behavior with the brain in mind. 

1. Replacing our assumptions with curiosity - We are wrong about kids all the time. We often assume our child is choosing to be bad rather than considering that there not be a choice… the behavior could be a stress response. By choosing to be curious about the behavior, we may find a solution to the problem.

• What is the purpose behind the behavior? And chase the “why” 
• Problem behavior may be the child’s best adaptation - the unwanted behavior could be a stress response to something in their environment and the behavior may be the only way they know how to cope. 
  • Example: A parent came in with a child experiencing separation anxiety. Tina Payne Bryson began by asking the parent, “Have you asked him what’s hard about the goodbye?” After realizing that an assumption was made about what the child was feeling, the child explains that his teacher’s voice is too loud and she hugs too hard. In this case, the child was not afraid of leaving his parents, but rather overwhelmed by the welcome that he was receiving when he got to school. Replace your assumption (separation anxiety) with curiosity. 
  • Example: A 1st grader with what presents as oppositional behaviors. The teacher gave several big behaviors that were impacting their day - stomping everywhere she went, refusing to join group activities, hiding under her desk covering her ears and covering her face when the teacher would try to talk to her. 
    • Assumptions = she was not a rule follower and was seeking attention. The assumption was that these were character based issues 
    • In reality = she has a sensory processing challenge so these behaviors were her best way to navigate her day 

2. Struggles are opportunities - behavior is communication about the skills that they don’t have yet. Tina talked about the idea that instead of doing something TO your child, you need to do something FOR them. While teaching a new skill can be challenging, you are choosing between hard now or harder later. By putting in the work now to help your child understand limits and handling situations effectively, you will save yourself time later when they need to know the skill again. 
   • Bryson gave the example, “When you plant lettuce and it doesn’t grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for why it’s doing poorly (more sunlight, more fertilizer, etc.)” and you change your approach. Parenting and discipline should be done the same way! 

So when considering how to move forward, Tina Payne Bryson states that you should ask 3 Questions in regards to discipline and challenging behaviors in our kids. 

1. Why did the child act this way? Be curious, look beneath the symptom, tune into the mind behind the behavior, and most importantly what is causing the dysregulation? 

• Is this behavior a CAN’T or a WON’T? 
• Consider the demand vs. capacity - if the demand is higher than the capacity, that’s when we see behaviors. If the demand is lower than the capacity, then the child is capable of handling the situation. It’s important to note that a child’s demands change all day long and so does their capacity. When we see that the demands are often higher than capacity in a chronic way, we see major issues such as opposition, depression, anxiety, etc. 

2. What is the lesson or skill I want them to learn? Tina Payne Bryson gave an example of her son and a school project. In this situation (which many of you may have experienced already) her child waited until Sunday night to tell her that he needed to do an entire project due the next day. First, this example highlights the importance of natural consequences. In this case, the natural consequence is a poor grade. Often when there is a straightforward natural consequence, your child doesn’t need a lecture. Hitting them with the, “I told you so” isn’t helpful. Your child already knows. 

• In this situation, her son is communicating that he does not have the executive functioning skills (time management) and delayed gratification (to not play with his friends) to complete the project before Sunday night. It is her job to help him build the skills he needs. 
• To build this skill, the expectation now on Fridays is to get his planner out and plan what needs to be done before Monday. It’s his job to figure out how much time it will take, what materials do you need, etc. 
• It’s important to note that these skills take weeks to learn - it won’t be immediate. 

2. What is the most effective way to teach the skill? Tina Payne Bryson explains that you need to start with identifying what DOESN’T work - punishment, lecturing, fear-based control, suspension/expulsion. (i.e. behavior charts, threatening, shaming, random consequences, yelling, blaming). Very few of the above examples help build skills or effectively teach. So to figure out what DOES help them do better, ask yourself, “Is my response to this situation going to make it more likely that my child can do better the next time?” If the answer is “no” then it’s not teaching. 

If you have created an environment and relationship that is built on safety and connection, when you go to have a conversation with your child about the behavior, pause and let your child think. Tina shares that it’s uncomfortable for them to sit and think and it begins to change their nervous system to avoid that feeling in the future. For example, when your child hits their sibling, instead of exploding on them start with, “You really hurt your brother when you hit him” and then pause. Asking your child, “What can you do differently next time?” allows them to reflect on ways that they can behave differently in the future. Sending them to their room just results in them thinking about how mean their Mom/Dad is for reacting that way and there is no skill building happening. 

Tina wrapped up her presentation by describing several Other tools for addressing behaviors: 

• Flip the script - “I could lecture you right now but I know you know what I’m about to say… why don’t you lecture me and tell me what I’m about to say” or “You can imitate me, what would I say right now?”
• Try reflective dialogues - say, "I know you know…so what happened there?” This makes them do the heavy lifting in the situation.
• Try coaching a strategy - “Let’s try jumping up and down”, taking a break, etc. 
• Have thoughtful consequences - Instead of taking their phone away during homework time say, “you are showing me that you can’t stay on task when you’re phone is around, so I will hold the device until you can handle it” 
• Give Do-overs - “why don’t you try that again.” or even say, “reverse” 

I will close out with an activity that she provided to help parents determine where to start. 

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Activity: On a piece of paper, write “discipline problems” and list 2-3 behaviors that bother you the most and/or cause the most issues. EX: impulse control, handling anger, following family rules. Then cross out where you wrote, “discipline problems” and write, “skills my child needs to build” . It's the same list. Take the behaviors that you want to change and see them as a skill to teach. 

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If you were unable to watch this presentation, I strongly encourage you to find a friend that has access to the recording. When we are reminded that our children don’t have an innate ability to handle every situation, it’s easier to take the time to teach them the skills that they need.

As always, reach out with any questions. 

Mrs. P