ISACS Parent Webinar Series - April Recap

The fifth webinar in the ISACS Parent Series was given by Dr. Laurie Santos. She is a psychology professor at Yale University, the host of the The Happiness Lab podcast, and has been recognized by Time magazine for her work. Dr. Santos decided to pursue her work on the science of well-being as she witnessed the mental health crisis first hand at Yale. She recognized the importance of teaching young people how to manage feelings of intense overwhelm, anxiety, depression, etc. and gave them actionable strategies to feel better. After beginning her work with college students, she quickly realized that this need for wisdom spans to younger students, but even more importantly, parents. 

This presentation is a “crash course” of her free class, “The Science of Well-being for Parents” and includes 5 Insights that matter most for Happy Parenting. Dr. Santos stated, “Parents need to recognize that happiness matters.” We often think that our children (or ourselves) just need to get through this tough phase and then it will get better…we hold on to this idea that once our child gets through this hump, they will start performing better. However, great performance does not always equate to happiness. We often forget that if we protect our mental health and positive mood, we actually perform better. 

Dr. Santos describes several studies to support the validity behind her work. The three studies that she references measure individual happiness and the impact that it has on overall “success”.

• The first study showed that college students that expressed more happiness were more likely to secure good jobs and be paid more after college.
• The second study measured physicians who were given a hard medical problem to solve. The group that was “put into a good mood first” were successful in solving the medical problem. 
• The third study was on the success of businesses. This study showed that the average happiness of individuals at work predicts the success of the company. 

So the take away here? Happy people perform better, they are often paid more, and can be a strong predictor of success as an individual and of groups as a whole! 

So how do we make ourselves happier? Here are the 5 Insights that matter: 

1. YOU CAN CULTIVATE HAPPIER MINDSETS - a happier mindset is a mindset of gratitude, noticing the good things in life. A simple way to do that - Write 3-5 things every day that you are grateful for. Noticing the things that are good about your life will train your brain and shift your mindset. Dr. Santos says you can see improvements in just 2 weeks. 
   • BE PRESENT - As parents, our attention/mind is pulled in 50 different directions at any given time, so being present is a challenge. However, trying these strategies can help: 
     1. Take time to savor the good moments - ask yourself how each of these things/times make you feel. And remember it. 
     2. Meditation - this may seem like “not your thing” but it truly just means actively trying to be present. This can be quick (or not) but keep it simple. For example: take time to notice your breathing while you wash the dishes or fold laundry. Maybe take a few minutes on your way to work to breathe.
     3. Identify what steals you from being present - PHONES, emails, work, etc. take our attention away from the things that matter most. Ask yourself what you could be paying attention to that isn’t one of these distractions.
2. THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT SELF-CARE - research shows that we are getting self-care wrong…Self-care should not be materialistic. Dr. Santos states that “true self-care is engaging in behaviors that really move the needle.” and are good for humans in general. These behaviors include the following:
   • Social connection - Relationships and connection are SO important. Dr. Santos emphasizes that we should be social even when we don’t feel like it. And it’s important to remember that being social doesn’t necessarily mean getting out of the house … this could be a FaceTime or phone call to a friend. Interaction with real people, in real time is what matters! 
   • Giving back - Research shows that giving back to others improves our overall happiness. Dr. Santos shared that even when you are forced to donate money, it makes us happier! So what do you do for other people to show kindness and compassion?
   • Move your body - 30 minutes of exercises can have an equivalent effect as an anti-depressant.
3. PRIORITIZE TIME AFFLUENCE - This insight might be one of the most important and has several components to it - but the main idea is that making time for free time is crucial. As parents we experience time famine which is a huge hit on your well-being. Think about the little things that you could do (or not do) to buy you free time… here are some ways to identify these opportunities. 
   • For example: Ordering take out. On days when you are craving some down time, consider the time saved by not getting groceries, finding a recipe, and preparing a meal. What can you do with that extra 60 minutes (or more) that increases your happiness? While we can’t order out every single night, it’s important to look for the little pockets of time in our day. Dr. Santos calls these little 10-15 minute blocks of time, time confetti. Maybe this is when your kids fall asleep a little earlier than normal, or your meeting lets out 20 minutes early, etc. Create a time confetti wish list (mediation, writing in a gratitude journal, text a friend, etc.) and use your mini breaks as “me time”. These little spurts of happiness can go a long way! 
   • Ask your kids for help - a lot of the things that we do for our kids are actually things that they can do on their own. We have all heard the term “helicopter parents” but in reality, many parents today are “Lawnmower Parents”. Lawnmower parents mow everything that may be “too hard” or make them “too uncomfortable” out of their child’s way… this creates more work for the parent and is hindering their child’s ability to be a thrive as they get older. 
     1. Dr. Santos describes this as the “take over condition” When our kids are not asked to do hard things, they are incapable and unwilling to persevere when given any challenging task. 
   • Radical Acceptance - Dr. Santos used a quote from Oliver Burkman that says (in summary) that the day will never come when you have everything under control… so whatever is going on just accept it! This idea of radical acceptance alleviates some of the burden of situations that are completely out of your control, or just too tall of a task for that given moment. It’s raining and you had plans outside? Bummer. The house is a mess? Life with kids creates a mess… accept it!
   • Value the process over the product - if you as a parent want your child to learn (which we all do!), you have to pay WAY less attention to the end product and focus more on the steps it takes to get there. No child ever learns a new skill by doing it perfectly the first (or second, or third) time.

4. PARENTS NEED TO FIND WAYS TO NAVIGATE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS BETTER - the act of squashing negative emotions down does not have any benefits. Dr. Santos described a study in which parents were asked to watch a sad video and then go into a room where their child was playing, and asked to “put on a happy face”. This study showed that the impact that suppressed parent emotion had on their child can be a factor in child happiness. 

• Emotional contagion - is the idea that our children can “catch” the emotions that their parents are trying so hard to keep down. 
• We teach our kids the importance of recognizing emotions, but we aren’t modeling that same behavior. Our negative emotions are really important signals that we as parents attempt to ignore. Dr. Santos compared it to ignoring the maintenance light on the car dash… when we ignore the emotions it comes at a cost. Whether this be that our kids pick up on our emotion and take it as their own, or we hold it all in and blow up on others at a later time. 
• One strategy to avoid emotional contagion is The Power of R.A.I.N.
  • R - recognize what is happening - what emotion are you feeling?
  • A - allow the feeling to be just as it is.
  • I - investigate with interest and care. What does this feel like in your body and notice what happens. If we don’t sit with an emotion long enough it doesn’t settle.
  • N - nurture with self-compassion.

5. FIND COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS - being mean to ourselves or adding unnecessary pressure has negative impacts. 

• Dr. Santos explains that showing compassion leads to better sleep, more motivation to move your body, and increases compassion towards others. There are 3 parts to self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness - noticing emotions
2. Common humanity - every parent goes through this, I am not alone 
3. Self-kindness - how can you treat yourself as a friend? What can you take off of your plate? 

• Showing compassion to your kids - Dr. Santos presented the question, “how can I treat my child more like a “friend”? While you remain the parent and the word “friend” means something slightly different in this dynamic, the point is to listen, validate, and connect with your child. The last Parent Series was presented by David Yeager about the science of motivating young people. Dr. Santos references his work in this portion of the webinar. 
  • Instead of being “drill sergeant” all of the time, be mindful and intentional to give your child a sense of agency. David Yeager’s “10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People” is an excellent resource on how to do this. Dr. Santos talks about Collaborative Troubleshooting for the times when your child really messes up and breaks a rule/expectation. Dr. Laurie Santos describes the importance of the following 3 steps: 

1. Surface thinking - “could you show me what you have done already?” or “I don’t want to tell you things you already know, but I am going to try to understand what you are thinking.”
2. Validate what they got right - “I’m impressed by what you already did” - build up their belief in themselves.
3. Bridge to understanding - avoid the urge to tell them what to do or saying “I told you so”. Try something like, “What do you think the next step is?” 

If you were unable to watch this recording, please don’t forget to register before the last webinar of the year! The Q&A session at the end offers valuable advice and insight as well that you shouldn’t miss. As always, I would be happy to discuss this topic or any of the other topics from the parent series. 

I can’t wait to see you all at the festivities the next few weeks! 

Mrs. P