To Help Out or Hold Back?

I am a pretty black or white person by nature. Right is right and wrong is wrong. This works well in some situations but there are other times when it doesn’t. And by other times I mean most of life. One of the biggest areas in which it doesn’t work well is with having children. I learned very early on there is no “one size fits all” parenting. And what worked with one child beautifully, doesn’t at all with another. There isn’t a right or wrong way, black or white, but instead many shades of grey. 

One particular area in which I tried to insert my black or white viewpoint dealt with forgotten items. In addition to my black or white thinking, I am also a big believer in natural consequences. So, when something is forgotten at home (homework, a poster, shoes for PE) then you would naturally have to do without. But then it came time to put my money where my mouth is … A poster was left at home that HAD to be turned in today. A call was made from school from a frantic child and my heart melted. I mean, what did it matter … I was home, I had time to run it up, and there have been plenty of times that I’ve forgotten things and have called on someone to help me out (typically Ty gets that honor). BUT! What about my decision to not rescue and that sometimes life lessons are hard? BUT! She’s only in 5th grade so what difference does it make now? We can learn that lesson later. BUT! I need to stick to my word. BUT! She’s going to have a bad day when I could have just brought it up and made it a good day. I was having a major internal struggle. It was a great time for me to think about my thinking. And while there’s no perfect answer, this situation did help me put a better system in place.

I had a discussion with the girls about what happens when things are forgotten and strategies that could be put in place to help minimize the times things might be left behind. Packing a backpack the night before to ensure everything was in it was a start. Not waiting until the night before to complete an important task or assignment was another. Explaining the situation to the person the item was due to was another. We then talked about my role when items are forgotten. And I was able to lean into the grey, taking it situation by situation. There were times when I might be able to bring something up, but other times when I couldn’t. As you parents know, this wasn’t a one time conversation or situation. When the girls got to high school, the plan was revised as they would soon be on their own in college, so I needed to prepare them accordingly. Each semester they got one pass, a time when I would rescue them by bringing up a forgotten item, so they had to use it wisely. 

Similarly, there were several times when the girls didn’t need rescue in the form of a forgotten item, but rather in them wanting to take a day off from school or be called out early. There again I was faced with a conundrum … Everyone needs a day off every once in a while. Or, it’s only one class that they are missing, what could it hurt? But that’s now how life works and it was important to help them learn that lesson while I was here to support them. In an ironic twist, Tori had a dentist appointment on March 12, 2020. It was midday and she asked if I would call her out for the afternoon. After all, she reasoned, it was the last day before spring break so she wouldn’t miss much. So I called her out. Little did she or I know that March 12, 2020 would be the last date she’d be in school for her senior year. So while calling her out for that afternoon seemed like a very small thing in the big picture, it ended up being a big thing in her story. 

Life’s lessons are typically not learned when things are going smoothly. As parents, it’s hard for us to not jump in and rescue when we see our children struggling. By not always helping out, but sometimes holding back, we can help our children learn important life lessons.